I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.