“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
crochet youtube is brutal
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Livid.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I falcon love using swear birds
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”