Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
You Might Also Like
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Need this in my life lol
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
getting groceries
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!