Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.