If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
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[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.