*Seductively hides in the woods
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
estão todos miauvindo?
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired