“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day