Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
You learn something every day
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
shut up and take my money
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.