People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
@funTweeters
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.