I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Super Hand Dog Face
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
some Old Testament wisdom
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.