I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]