Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
spot the difference
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email