How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.