Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Tier 3 meme
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
some cats are just doing for fun!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship