1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking