Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married