*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.