Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
He-man has a Masters degree
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
こいつ天才
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.