Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
True
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Nigella has gone too far this time.