just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?