Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
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Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
🔦🌙👣
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.