Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.