imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I have never related to a cat more
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“