Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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my one true gender
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I have so many questions.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.