Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
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*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Some people were born into their job.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I don’t get marriage
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…