It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Left at a local drug store…
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting