Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
This could be us but you eatin’
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this