New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows