[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
That’s fair
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
That’s easy for you to say
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!