I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.