Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me driving through Toronto
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism