that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Can’t stop laughing
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.