I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
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