Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Dolls on drugs
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself