It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
felt that
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time