Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
You Might Also Like
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Always
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.