I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Investing in beetcoin
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer