“I’d like to speak with a manager”
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.