I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.