[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him