I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.