Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
You Might Also Like
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
me hitting on a model
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Are we there yet?…
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
shit, they caught us—run!!!