*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
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Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I thought this was funny lol
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Doctors texting each other.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
he chose this
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.