Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
then why did i get this email
oh my gosh!!
Ferrari squats
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent