My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
my first day as a raccoon
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!