*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
is it earth
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Yeah. This was me today.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
This is why I hate group projects
#CoronaOutbreak
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.