Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
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If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Simple
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*