[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
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One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Wise advice