Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
6: are snakes just neck?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
The Backseat Boys
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”