Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
This makes total sense…
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”